Am I really just losing my passion or myself?
Searching for my old self comes in waves… and right now, I’m slowly losing my breath, drowning.
How do you distinguish between a passion that fades and a self that disappears? I wonder if they’re the same, if losing one inevitably means losing the other.
There are moments where I find myself thinking, “This isn’t me. This isn’t who I was meant to be.” The mirror reflects a stranger, someone I barely recognize. My old self, she wouldn’t have let any of this happen. She burned with a fire, even if it flickered, and she fought for things, even when her hands trembled. I could surprise people, even when I wasn’t sure of myself. But now, it’s as if she’s gone, lost somewhere along this road I can’t retrace. The path behind me is obscured, and the path ahead… I can’t even see it. It feels like I’m stranded in between.
I don’t know where she is anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever find her again.
I’ve always been the one who, though unsure, somehow made things happen. I wasn’t the confident one, but I was the one people would look at and be amazed by what I was capable of. I wasn’t bold, but there was a quiet determination in me, something that even I didn’t fully understand. People used to look at me and wonder how someone so uncertain could still manage to rise. But now, I feel like I’ve let her down. I’ve failed her in ways I never imagined. People say, “It’s not a failure, it’s just a setback,” but deep inside, it feels like so much more.
It’s not just about a score, it’s about who I was, who I thought I could be. And now, everything I’ve built feels like it’s crumbling beneath my feet. Maybe if I had trusted my instincts, pushed harder, gone further, stayed up longer like I used to, I wouldn’t be here now, feeling this empty, this lost. But I didn’t. I chose to rest, thinking I’d done enough, and now I’m haunted by the “what ifs.”
What happens now? How do I move forward with this version of myself, who no longer knows where she stands? I desperately want an answer, but the thought of it scares me more than the unknown itself. What if the truth is something I’m not ready to face? What if I don’t like who I’ve become?
Will people see me differently now? Will they notice the cracks where I once stood strong? Will they whisper that the “top student” is just another name on the list, no longer exceptional, no longer remarkable? The thought of fading into the background terrifies me, but it also feels like an inevitable truth. Maybe I am overthinking, but my mind is a whirlwind I can’t quiet. I replay every choice, every opportunity I let slip away, every moment where I could’ve been more, done more. I should’ve been perfect. I should’ve reached higher, fought harder. I should’ve been everything I thought I was capable of being.
But here I am, staring at a version of reality I never wanted to face. Maybe destiny is just not on my side, or it has always been against me. Maybe I’ve been fighting a battle that wasn’t mine to win. I don’t know anymore. It feels like I’ve been chasing something that’s always just out of reach, and now I wonder if I was ever meant to have it at all. But as hard as it is, maybe this moment, this low point, isn’t about the score or the so-called failure. Maybe it’s about peeling back the layers of who I thought I was and finding someone new.
Sometimes we have to lose ourselves completely before we can find the path we were always meant to walk. And maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to feel lost for a little while.
Dear Lovely Souls,
To those of you feeling lost, I want to say this: your worth doesn’t diminish because you’ve lost your way. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is admit that we don’t have all the answers. It’s okay to feel uncertain, to grieve the person you used to be, and to wonder if you’ll ever find your way back. You are still here, breathing, learning, growing, even when it feels like you’re standing still.
Remember, there is no map for this journey. The road ahead may be unclear, but that doesn’t mean you’ve lost your way entirely. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to question everything. You are allowed to take your time finding your way. Sometimes, we need to lose ourselves in order to discover who we’re truly meant to be.
So be gentle with yourself in these moments of doubt. Don’t rush to put all the pieces back together. Allow yourself the space to reflect, to grieve, and to grow. Trust that even in the midst of this uncertainty, you are becoming someone new, someone wiser, and stronger than before.
To all of you reading this who feel like you’ve lost touch with the person you once were, I see you. You are not broken. You are in the process of becoming. And while it might not feel like it now, one day you’ll look back and see that this moment was a turning point, not an ending.
Take it one step at a time, one breath at a time. Even in the depths of feeling lost, you are still moving forward. And that is enough.
With all my love,
Vina
