When will I face a day without wishing it to be the last?
When will I truly love… living?
Each breath feels borrowed, like I’m living on time I didn’t ask for.
Every morning when I open my eyes, I don’t pray anymore, thanking God for another blessing. What I do is stare at the ceiling blankly, accepting that another day has come, another day to suffer, another day to survive.
I used to wake up with hope; now, I wake up with heaviness.
I know it’s a bit ungrateful, not being thankful for a day other people would die to have, but what if I am the kind of person who wants to die instead?
I just can’t find the strength to live life the way I used to, maybe because life isn’t what it used to be. I wonder if I am the problem. Maybe they are right, I am such a spoiled brat. Maybe I got used to living an easy life where everything was laid out in front of me with no wasted sweat or effort.
But life is just so hard these days. I spend hours at night wondering where it all went wrong, why everything is falling apart? Why is destiny not approving of my plan? Why is fate betraying me so much lately? I want to live… but not like this, not in a world where every plan crumbles before it even begins
I swear I want to live. Live without trying to reach the expectations of people and society, live without having to prove myself just to be seen. Just live, a life.
Last week, I told myself that it’s done, don’t worry, you can take your rest now. But here I am, facing another week that might kill another part of me, just like what the previous weeks have done.
I am so done with this fucked-up cycle of life. A storm ruins everything, then you have to build it all up again just to be struck by another storm. Why is everyone expecting us to just endure everything and live, even when it seems like there’s no point at all?
How can I endure more when every part of me is slowly dying?
It all just keeps happening again and again. It’s like running in an endless circle.
I used to be a dreamer… well, I still am one, but I feel like I’m slowly losing the spark, making each day darker to live. Is it just because I am a burnt-out gifted child? Is it because I am losing my old self? Or am I just tired of life and no longer want to suffer anymore? But then there are my dreams, the bucket list I made, the places I long to visit, the mountains I want to climb, the stars I wish to count from my rooftop. Will all of that vanish as I do?
I wonder if my dreams will die with me or if they’ll haunt me as something I never had the chance to live.
But I still can’t live it the way I should. Maybe hating life is my coping mechanism for all the pain I’ve received inside. Maybe I’m using reverse psychology, trying to want it by denying that I do. Or maybe it really is just how I feel.
I don’t know anymore. What I do know is that every day feels like a test I don’t want to take, a weight I no longer wish to carry. I wake up each morning hoping it will be the last, and every night, I fall asleep wondering why I made it through another day. I am caught between wanting to live and wanting it all to end, torn apart by a longing I can’t explain.
Dear lovely souls,
Sometimes, life can feel like an endless storm, a loop where every step feels heavier than the last. I understand what it’s like to wake up without hope, to stare at the ceiling and wonder why. There’s a lot of pain in that space between wanting to live and wishing for an end, but I want you to know that you don’t have to carry this alone.
In moments like these, the hardest thing might be reaching out, but that’s where healing often begins. Talking to someone can lift part of that burden, even if it feels small at first. The pain you’re feeling is real, and it’s valid, but it doesn’t have to consume you. There are people who want to help, and it’s okay to lean on them. If you’re in a place where it’s hard to breathe, please take this step for yourself. Reach out.
You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. It’s okay to admit you’re not fine, that you’re struggling, that life is harder than it seems right now. It’s okay to reach out and say, “I need help.”
The National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline is available 24/7. You can call them at 0966–351–4518 for support. Whether you’re struggling to find hope or just need someone to talk to, they are there for you, and so are many others who care about you, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
You deserve the chance to heal, even when life feels impossible. There’s still space for your dreams, your passions, and your future, even if they feel distant now. Keep reaching out and know that the storm won’t last forever.
With all my love,
Vina
